We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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