My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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