I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just gift wrapped bread.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
