I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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