If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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