i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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