I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
