Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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