he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
