i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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