based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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