If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She's the barista slut.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
