My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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