I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
