I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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