I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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