My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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