I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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