he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
