My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
