seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
