mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
