My liver just broke up with me...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
