My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
