I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
