never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
