Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
