The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
