My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
