i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
