i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
