i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
