i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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