my soul wont recognize me after tonight
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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