I think my fart just growled at me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
