Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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