it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
