I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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