Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
