I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think i have two assholes
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
