if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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