You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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