new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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