between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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