You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
