Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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