This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you never un-have a 4some
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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