I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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