But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
