You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
