Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
