Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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