lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize