he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't put those talents on a resume
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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