I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
