Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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