btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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