Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
