just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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